A Story and a Promise...

Dear readers..

I'm so frustrated with my weight problem. I've been struggling with it since I was 17 when the first signs of wieght gain occured. Everyone acted as if they had God's given right to comment about it even those I didn't know that well. I trully believed that I was humongously fat. Looking back at my photos, I was of regular weight at that time. It makes me feel so angry when I thought of how I let people get to me then.

You see, my weight had yo-yoed since I was a child. I was thin, then when I stated kindergarden I came down with a cough that wouldn't go away. My mum gave me Scott's emultion and I got better but I gained weight. I became a very chubby chid until I was the age of 10 years old. In fifth grade I began to take part in after school activities and lost the weight. I was at my thinnest at 12 years old.

The thing is, I have always had a bit of a tummy and flabby thighs even when I was skinny so I never really see myself as thin. I always see myself as a chubby person. I put on maybe about 3-4 KGs when I hit puberty and that did nothing to increase my self-esteem but I was still okay with it because I can still find clothes to buy quite easily. I lost a bit of weight again when I went into boarding school at 15 years old, going 16 years old.

Things went fine until I was entering form 5. I remember that people began to comment about my weight during Chrismas of 2002. I didn't feel like I gained weight and became confused. In that same year I was diagnosed with hyperthyroid, a disorder stemmed from the Thyroid glands. The doctors said that this is what is making me gain weight. The thing is, with Hyper thyroidism, I'm supposed to lose weight, not gain weight. Hypothyroid patients gain weight not Hyperthyroid patients. I carried on with the treatment for the next 5 -6 years of my life.

I was facing stress from being pressured to score 9A1 by the school, my sickness, being misunderstood (I became irratable due to my health problems), and the feeling of inadequacy ( I keep failing 3 of my science subjects) and being ashamed of my weight gain that I began to eat for emotional reasons. I didn't care what I was putting in my mouth (which was, unfortunately, mainly junkfood) and it was so easy to blame the weight I continued to gain on my sickness.

The day I enrolled into matriculation was still fresh in my mind. I saw a group of my friends from MRSM ( almost all of us went into LMC). I approached them and greeted them and I was met with a round of shocked expressions (some of them had their mouths hangingvopen) and exclaimations of how much I've gained weight in a few short months. Boy did that sucked. I retreated into my invisible shell, trying to hide my shame and my pain.

I started to take diet pills since that year and I did lost quite a bit of weight, around 6KGs. The funny thing was, not a lot of people commented on my weight loss as much as people commented on my weight gain, prior to that, which I think until today is quite unfair. To top it off, I gained the weight that I loss. I have been experimenting with different brands of diet pills, shakes and teas ever since. I would estimate that I have spent around RM3K in a span of 5 years trying to find the one magic pill or potion to make me lose weight. To tell you the truth, I'm still doing it today.

I was deemed to have recovered from Hyperthyroidism in May this year but was suspected of having Poly-Cysctic Ovaries (PCOS). And the worst part was that the doctor told me that I might have been misdiagnosed for Hyperthyroidism all these years. Boy was that a blow. The blood test results proved to be true. I have PCOS which explains my weight gain. My highest was 72.2KG which was around June this year. I'm happy to say that I am 69KG (if my grandmother's scale is to be believed) or 70KG now.

Its not that I'm not grateful, its just that years of losing a bit of weight then gaining twice that amount has made me a bit sceptical and disbelieving that I have actually lost weight. I want to lose more, make the numbers indesputable. I don't seem to have the will-power to resist junkfood when its near me. I also notice that I tend to overeat when I'm sad, worried or feeling helpless. I gain more weight which makes me even more sad and then I eat more.It's a vicious cycle that has to stop.

It's the 28th of October already. I hereby promise to myself (and you, dear readers as my witness), that from today onwards I am going to have regular small meals so that I would not feel hungry and stuff my face in retaliation, I will make better food choices (less rice, more veges and lean proteins such as fish) and I will still take junkfood but moderately and will slowly cut down on them until I have re-educated my tastebuds into not craving them anymore.

I will not beat myself up if I slip a few times and be discouraged but will try to regain my balance the next meal or next day. I will be more active, incorporating at least 5,000 steps into my daily routine. I will drink at least 3 liters of water a day. Last but not least, I aim to lose 2KGs by the 28th of November. Stay tuned fo updates in the coming weeks. Wish me luck!