How to Be Annoying In the Cinema

Do Not Silent Your Handphone
Everyone wants to hear your ring tone and message tone ‘cause no one has any as cool as yours. Some don’t even have handphones so who are you to deny them the pleasure of hearing your Transformer message tone or your Crazy Frog ring tone. Oh, and while you’re at it, why don’t you put it on ‘Loud’ mode? Those at the back might not hear it if you don’t and miss out on all the fun.

Reply Text Messages And/Or Take Calls During the Movie
You are the CEO of a multi-million Dollar company. All text messages must be replied IMMEDIATELY (it might be Donald Trump) and no calls can go unanswered (it might be Bill Gates). People around you won’t get distracted by the bright glowing light of your handphone, nor will they be able to hear you as you shout yourself silly into it over the cinema’s massive sound system. Even if they are able to hear you, they would be absolutely riveted by your conversation. After all, you are talking to Bill Gates/Donald Trump/the Sultan of Brunei.

Reenact the Scenes
You’ll need to bring along a friend for this. When something funny happens on the screen, laugh as hysterically as you can (the loudest if possible) and say,” Did you see that? Did you see what happened?!’ to your friend. Then, without bothering to listen if your he/she DID see what happened, proceed to embarrass your poor friend by reenacting the scene with gusto. Twice more for his/her benefit. If it’s not a comedy, do the same thing but instead explain what happened to your friend as if he/she is a dimwit. Again, twice more for his/her benefit.

Discuss the Movie.. During the Movie
You’ll need a friend for this too but preferably someone like-minded as you. When the scenes become deep and meaningful, sad or touching, turn to friend and start discussing how it reminds you of your/ your mother’s/aunt’s/cousin’s/pet goldfish’s situation. Your friend can reciprocate by telling you how that scene applies to life in general. Being emotional and heartfelt is a must. Tears and hugs are optional. Make sure you speak loud enough for others to hear you. They simply MUST know your interpretation of the movie.

Bring Children Below 10 Years Old With You
Obviously, a child is essential for this. If you don’t have kids of your own, borrow your niece/nephew or your kiddy cousins. If truly desperate beg your neighbor to lend you theirs. Kids below 10 years old are preferable as they can talk, are curious about absolutely everything and will ask endless questions at the most inappropriate moments. Do NOT tell them beforehand that they must be quiet throughout the movie. Instead, they are encouraged to ask questions ESPECIALLY during the most exciting part of the movie when everyone would be concentrating.
Eg:
“Kakak, napa dia pegang pedang kak? Dia mau kasi mati tu panja’at kah? Napa mesti mau kasi mati, nda masuk jill (jail) kah tu starring nanti? Pulis tangkap juga kah kalau starring kasi mati panja'at?”
Or

“Kakak, napa tu hero asyik jatuh kana pukul tu panja’at tu? Dia mati kah tu last2? Ha kak, dia mati ka nanti? KAKAK!! Dingar bah!!”

For maximum annoyability (is that even a real word?), do not feed them or take them to the toilet to settle their ‘business’ before the movie. This will ensure that you will be scrambling over other cinema goer's knees and stepping on their feet to rush the wee one to the toilet or a kiddy voice screaming,” But I’m hungry. I want a waffle NOW!!!!”

Practice these tips and I guarantee that you will be the pain in everyone’s ass and if your lucky, you might even get thrown out of the cinema. You’ll the Girl-Who-Got-Thrown-Out-Of-The-Cinema-Because-She-Can’t-Shut-up. You’ll be famous! Yay! Any press is better than no press at all, no?