Leg Chair.

In case you haven’t caught on, it’s a direct translated version of the Malay term ‘Kaki Bangku’. I’ve always been a Leg Chair. All.My.Life. Put my name and any sport in the same sentence and my school friends would most probably laugh hysterically while rolling on the floor. Yup, I’m the one who fakes period cramps (every two weeks), dizziness and other medical maladies that you can think of to escape every PE session.


Sometimes I succeed. However, most of the time my Oscar Award-worthy acting didn’t get me anywhere. Not even when I threw in the ‘Bambi-Eyed’ look into the mix for good measure (Shrek wasn’t out yet way back then so I couldn’t emulate the ‘Puss-In-Boots’ look). Still, it’s a no sale so onto the field I go.

I’d be cringing in line, waiting for my turn to undergo whatever physical torture that my PE teacher might have in mind for that day. I must say, I was very resilient when it comes to trying to escape. I’d duck behind my taller friends and try my best to be invisible. When all else fails, in a last desperate attempt to free myself I’d put on an innocent face that any Cherub in Heaven would be proud of and say ,”Ih, sudah bah sia men tadi… Butul sia cakap ni cigu…”

Don’t get me wrong. I love sports… When someone else is playing it. I make a better cheerleader than an athlete. I would clap like the happiest seal in the zoo and cheer my friends (and the guy’s basketball team… *Wink*) on till I’m hoarse any day.. But actually playing sports myself? *Shudder*. So what’s up with this extreme aversion to sports that I have you might ask? Here are some of the reasons why I avoid sports like the Plague..

Phobia
I have a phobia of ball-related sports. When I was in primary 4, I was hit in the face with a basketball by an over-zealous friend of mine. The force was so hard it cracked my spectacle frame. Lucky it didn’t crack my nose as well. Needles to say I had to wear said spectacles for a WHOLE year before a sympathetic optician advised my parents to replace it. Talk about uncomfortable and so faux fabulous.

I Hate Being Sweaty and Smelly
Granted, we do occasionally sweat and smell like pigs regardless but when you play sports you ALWAYS become sweaty and smelly. It comes with the package. I guess it stemmed from my school years where we don’t get to shower after PE as the average Malaysian school don’t have shower facilities. Hence the ‘wonderful’ aroma (especially from the boys) and the ‘comfortable’ feel of our uniforms sticking to our bodies during the lessons after PE. Gross…

Fear of Letting Others Down
The good thing about being a part of a team is that everyone protects and motivates each other. Your teammates have your back, you have theirs. Together, you bring your team to a glorious, albeit shared victory and you are one big, happy family right? On the flip side, there is always the chance that you would be the one to botch things up. For example, you might be the Big Dodo who shoots for what could be the winning goal for your team in the last few seconds… And missed.. Congratulations! You have just continued your team's losing streak… Which happened to be the third year in a row. When you fail, you fail your team. I personally avoid any situation where I would have to deal with such pressure and guilt.

Personal Space Invasion.
Okay, this is a personal pet peeve of mine. I was born under the Cancer sign and thus personal space is very important, if not sacred to me. It is my comfort zone, a place where I fell warm, fuzzy and safe from the Big, Bad World. People who enter my Zone must follow my rules. Extreme? But of course. It’s just a thing that I have. With team sports, there is no such thing as personal space. Instead there’s a Helluva lot of pushing and shoving. Major personal space invasion = Major turn off.

Sportsmanship.
Like I said above, sports can involve a lot of aggression such as pushing and shoving. I hate that. It pisses me off. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the most patient person on Earth. In fact, I think I must have missed my turn when God was handing out Patience before we unborn babies were sent into the world. That being said, I’m worried that such aggression from others might trigger the She Hulk in me. When I’m pissed, I don’t play fair. Ever. Someone might get hurt. It’s not that I lack sportsmanship. I do have it, lots of ‘em. That is, after I’ve knocked out the teeth of the bitch who pushed me.

So there you have it my dear readers. My history of dodging PE, ‘Leg Chair’ing my way throughout school and my reasons for detesting, I mean, avoiding sports. If you’re one of those people who are into sports, congratulations my friend. I totally solute you. Consider this you widow into the World of They-Who-Avoids-Sports. To all my ‘Leg Chair’ Comrade of Arms, stand proud and feel free to share YOUR story for not being into sports. Cheers!

P/S: I’d like to apologize to all the PE teachers who had the misfortune of having me as their student and for contributing to their high blood pressure. It’s nothing personal really… I’m just allergic to sports… *Wink* Butul sia cakap ni cigu…