Bye Bye Baby Sophia...

Hi all..
This past 10 days has been such an emotional one for me. This is because something so bad and so sudden has happened that it turned a lot of people's life upside down. I won't say what but suffice to say that it was devastating and some of the 'splatters' landed on me.

Initially, I had planned to wait and see how my work schedule is before deciding for sure about Sophie's care. If I could juggle my work and taking care of Sophie, she would remain with me. If I can't manage, then I would send her to my parent's home. Before I had even had the chance to start my new career, a family crises struck which resulted in Sophie no longer having a baby-sitter. So, I had no choice but to send Sophie prematurely to my home town.

It was the hardest thing for me to accept that I would have to be away from her. I had never, ever done it you know. Never been away from her for even 1 night. How on earth am I supposed to be away from her now? Needless to say I bawled my eyes out for days before going back to my home town last Saturday. I was there with her until today. Hugged her, kissed her, smelled her skin and hair, trying to remember it, remember her smile and laugh, the things that makes her smile.

I tried to look at this situation in a positive light. Tried to cheer up by thinking of all the things that I am free to do when I'm back in KK. I can go shopping now without having a time limit, I can go jalan2 at night now, go jogging/gym without having to worry about where to put Sophie, I can concentrate on my career, watch movies at the cinema back to back, bla bla bla.... Even though I would be having my 'old life' back, all I feel is that it's meaningless, truly meaningless because Sophie IS my life now.

Despite the limitations, lack of sleep and free time Sophie's smile, laugh and wriggly body, seeing her grow has made it all worthwhile. Now that she is not with me I feel as if I no longer am able to function as a I used to before she came into my life. Normally bangun2 terus masak air mo sedia air mandi dia. Nanti bangun terus mo buat apa? Oh ya, mandi and berus gigi sendiri pula kan? You know what I mean? Macam mo recalibrate lagi balik.

I had dreaded today when I would be leaving her. I imagined that I would be flooding the bus station with tears, etc., but instead Sophie fell asleep at home so I just kissed her softly as to not wake her up, went to the bus stop and travelled to KK dry eyed. I felt numb. I do feel a headache coming, the kind that only happens when you repress your emotions. I feel a bit confused now, unable to make simple decisions like what and where to eat.I won't be surprised if I suddenly burst into tears seeing diapers and baby stuff in the shops.

Another thing that disturbs me is that I feel guilty. Guilty for seeming to choose my career over my daughter. Then again, such a good opportunity does not come everyday. If I don't have a good paying job, how on earth am I going to support Sophie anyway? That's what I keep telling myself, what everyone keeps telling me. Not that it made me feel any less guilty.

How am I going to survive tonight without feeling Sophie's soft, warm body snuggling next to me? Sigh...

Love,
Phoebe..