Mental Torture: Pressure and Baby Sophia

Hi all..
Today is a Monday and for the 100th time I wish that I could just stay at home (a banglo no less) with my princess (a trained, qualified nanny on standby) with big money rolling in every month and maids to keep the house clean. Hey, we can all dream right? I think that's considered the high life for me.

Anyways, work is okay. Tolak office politics and the offensive-defensive tactical mindset, everything is peachy. Yeah right.. Haha.. I feel conflicted dear readers. On one hand I wanted to learn something new, on the other I feel like each day is a torture for me because I am doing something so unfamiliar to me. I try to motivate myself, saying that when I had my first job I didn't know anything either yet I survived right? With each new place I went it's always confusing at first but it gets better with time right? Right.

This morning to be honest I felt like resigning. Pelik juga sy rasa oh. Macam over2 pula kan? Maybe its because everything is new to me and its an assault to my delicate senses. Aisehmen... Al maklum lah, yours truly ni Cancer sign. Likes things yang familiar jak. Anything that throws us off balance we no likey. I really am envious of women who grasp change with both hands and whip up a cake out of it or shape it into a horse. These are fearless women, and how I wish I could be like that.. Oh well..

By the way, I went back to see my baby Sophia last Saturday. Punya lah happy... I really can't believe it when I finally held her in my arms. Smelled her baby smell and kissed her over a hundred times. Huuuiii.. Memang manja la my baby girl that weekend. Malar kena angkat. If it's not me, her papa yang angkat. Masa tu nda peduli sudah whether she will be manja atau tidak. Yang penting, mo lepas rinduuu...

Yang bikin kecik hati sikit tu kan, at first she was afraid of me. Or rather, us. Entah la kenapa, maybe she forgot me. Maybe it was because she just got up from her nap then terus kena serang. Sakit hati tau when she wanted my elder sister instead. I mean, I was never away from her for even a night for over 7 months then in 10 days you can forget me and look at me like a stranger?

I tried to pujuk my own heart juga la. I can't control her and to think I can and expect her to remember me for the things I did for her pretty silly and un-Mama. I take care of her because she is entrusted to me by Allah, not because I own her. Ibu2 sekalian, kalau pernah terlintas di hati dan minda seperti yang di atas, sila2 lah cepat2 buang yer. Nda bagus tu.

Anyways she warmed up to me in a few minutes. I can't help but feel that she has changed a lot. As if during the time we were away from each other, she was re-wired or something. Sebab kan, the things that usually make her smile no longer does. Mo kasi tidur dia pun lain sudah, not the way I know it. Terkilan juga sy, wah how 10 days can make so many changes in a developing baby kan. How much have I missed in 10 short days. Sedih betul oh.

All these things la yang bikin sy berfikir ni, berbaloi kah sy amik ni keja ah? Bagus lagi sy resign and take up a job that is not as demanding despite the pay being less. Macam2 la main dalam otak sy. I tried to calculate how long I would have to work in my current job to be able to save up so that I would not have to work for a year or at least 6 months la. But then again all of this is short term kan? After the money has run out, then what? Apa mo kasi makan si Sophie? Macam mana mo bayar yuran si Sophie pigi play school?

And so the vicious cycle went on and on in my head. In fact, it is still going on right now. Pening kepala sy ni sekarang.. Huhuhu..

This is all for now. I will try to write of less depressing posts in the future.

Love,
Phoebe