About me

My Photo
Former makeup enthusiast and bookworm. Currently adopting a minimalist lifestyle. Contact me at phylliciarobert@gmail.com for inquiries.
View my complete profile

Thursday, March 18, 2010

How to Be Annoying In the Cinema

Do Not Silent Your Handphone
Everyone wants to hear your ring tone and message tone ‘cause no one has any as cool as yours. Some don’t even have handphones so who are you to deny them the pleasure of hearing your Transformer message tone or your Crazy Frog ring tone. Oh, and while you’re at it, why don’t you put it on ‘Loud’ mode? Those at the back might not hear it if you don’t and miss out on all the fun.

Reply Text Messages And/Or Take Calls During the Movie
You are the CEO of a multi-million Dollar company. All text messages must be replied IMMEDIATELY (it might be Donald Trump) and no calls can go unanswered (it might be Bill Gates). People around you won’t get distracted by the bright glowing light of your handphone, nor will they be able to hear you as you shout yourself silly into it over the cinema’s massive sound system. Even if they are able to hear you, they would be absolutely riveted by your conversation. After all, you are talking to Bill Gates/Donald Trump/the Sultan of Brunei.

Reenact the Scenes
You’ll need to bring along a friend for this. When something funny happens on the screen, laugh as hysterically as you can (the loudest if possible) and say,” Did you see that? Did you see what happened?!’ to your friend. Then, without bothering to listen if your he/she DID see what happened, proceed to embarrass your poor friend by reenacting the scene with gusto. Twice more for his/her benefit. If it’s not a comedy, do the same thing but instead explain what happened to your friend as if he/she is a dimwit. Again, twice more for his/her benefit.

Discuss the Movie.. During the Movie
You’ll need a friend for this too but preferably someone like-minded as you. When the scenes become deep and meaningful, sad or touching, turn to friend and start discussing how it reminds you of your/ your mother’s/aunt’s/cousin’s/pet goldfish’s situation. Your friend can reciprocate by telling you how that scene applies to life in general. Being emotional and heartfelt is a must. Tears and hugs are optional. Make sure you speak loud enough for others to hear you. They simply MUST know your interpretation of the movie.

Bring Children Below 10 Years Old With You
Obviously, a child is essential for this. If you don’t have kids of your own, borrow your niece/nephew or your kiddy cousins. If truly desperate beg your neighbor to lend you theirs. Kids below 10 years old are preferable as they can talk, are curious about absolutely everything and will ask endless questions at the most inappropriate moments. Do NOT tell them beforehand that they must be quiet throughout the movie. Instead, they are encouraged to ask questions ESPECIALLY during the most exciting part of the movie when everyone would be concentrating.
“Kakak, napa dia pegang pedang kak? Dia mau kasi mati tu panja’at kah? Napa mesti mau kasi mati, nda masuk jill (jail) kah tu starring nanti? Pulis tangkap juga kah kalau starring kasi mati panja'at?”

“Kakak, napa tu hero asyik jatuh kana pukul tu panja’at tu? Dia mati kah tu last2? Ha kak, dia mati ka nanti? KAKAK!! Dingar bah!!”

For maximum annoyability (is that even a real word?), do not feed them or take them to the toilet to settle their ‘business’ before the movie. This will ensure that you will be scrambling over other cinema goer's knees and stepping on their feet to rush the wee one to the toilet or a kiddy voice screaming,” But I’m hungry. I want a waffle NOW!!!!”

Practice these tips and I guarantee that you will be the pain in everyone’s ass and if your lucky, you might even get thrown out of the cinema. You’ll the Girl-Who-Got-Thrown-Out-Of-The-Cinema-Because-She-Can’t-Shut-up. You’ll be famous! Yay! Any press is better than no press at all, no?

Friday, March 12, 2010

5 Things Travel Agents Do To Suck Up To Me (And How I Handle Them)

They Give Me Free Stuff
This is the most basic, transparent form of suking up. Expect an abundance of Kurma during Ramadhan and a flood of calendars during the end of the year. The thing is, these things are given to kind of buy you to using their service. The average person would certainly feel guilty everytime they use the service of other Travel Agents (from henceforth will be referred to as TAs).

How I Handle Them:
Accept their gifts, smile sweetly, say thank you and show them the door. Short and sweet. Check. Expressed appreciation. Check. Made no promises to use their service. Check. Unfortunately for them, I'm not so average. Being the cold-hearted bitch that I am, I choose TAs based on their COMPETENCY and not from their freebies.

Establishing Faux Friendship
TAs like these act really friendly to me.. Like, really, really, really... You get the picture. For example, there is this one Peninsular lady who grew up in Tenom, Sabah. When she knew I was a Sabahan, she would talk to me in Sabahan slang at the top of her voice so that the whole office would hear. I guess she felt that by showing that she had something in common with me I would use her service more. All she succeded was made me feel exploited... Neeeexttt!!!

How I Handle Them:
Smile and nod at the appropriate time if I'm in the mood and have the time to humor them. When I'm busy I'd just carry on doing my work and emphasizing my distractedness. Rude? That's simply a huge hint for them to stop talking and leave. If they don't take the hint, they can't blame me when they end up having a one-sided conversation with themselves now can they?

Practicing Extreme 'Effective' Communication Skills
Okay, we all know that the basics of effective communication skills includes maintaining eye contact, giving a firm hand shake and talking in a calm, clear tone of voice.. One TA in particular took it to the extreme. She would stare intently into my eyes up to the point where I felt that it's just so wrong. She would tell me her name, her company and her purpose for coming to my office loudly but sloooowwwwly as if I'm a retard. Lastly, when she shakes my hand she clasps it in a painful vice-like grip and wouldn't let go until she has finished here little introductory speech. She does this every.effing.time.we meet.

How I Handle It (she's the only one):
At times when I manage to spot her before she could see me I would just hide. Can you imagine a cartoon caracter sneaking away with just its toes moving? Yup, that's me. If I couldn't escape her, I'd just plaster on a smile, try to tug my hand free when it's appropriate and make an excuse that I need to go to the loo to cut the conversation short. She must think that I have a bladder problem because that's the 'default' excuse that I use.

Feigning Ignorance
These kind of TAs are very, very sneaky. They most probably dreamt of becoming a spy hero like 007 (My name is Bond... James Bond) when they were young and clung to that dream all the way into adulthood. They would ask me mundane questions first such as have I eaten or how was my day, etc. After a while they would start pretending to guess about the flow of flights, which department go overseas the most, etc. Of course since they only guess randomly it would always be a wrong guess. Try to show them what a smartass you are by correcting them and you'd be giving away inside information.

How I Handle Them:
Follow what the legendary boxer Mohammad Ali said: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Flit around the subject like a butterfly by never giving any definite answers and sting with a veiled (or unveiled) verbal barb like a bee when they get offensively nosy.
Eg: Saya rasa Encik ni tak patut jadi TA lah.. Lagi sesuai jadi CSI ke, 007 ke...
Yup, stung by a bee alright.

Flirt With Me
This it seems only happens to be done by tall, fair, handsome and macho TAs. They would outrageously flirt with me and compliment me on:
1. my looks
    Eg: Oh... Ini rupanya Phyllicia... Manisnya you ni... Comel lah....
    Um, okaaayyyy... Duh...
2. my heritage
    Eg: Oooohh... Dari Sabah ya... Patutlah rupa macam Filipino... Sabah Bah! Sabah bah!
    Which goes to show that even tall, fair, handsome and macho men can be dumb.
3. the way I talk
    Eg: Lembut je you bercakap kan. Kalau you ni doktor, pesakit dengar you bercakap dah separuh
          penyakit die sembuh.
    I guess that's why I was fated to be a P.T Kew. and not a doctor. If I was, the Government would
    most probably have me locked up in ISA or something for threatening the stability of conventional
    medical practices.

How I Handle Them:
How to get rid of unwanted male attention? Talk about marriage and babies. They usually leave skid marks.

I get to meet a whole lot of people from doing Air Flight Warants. Some are nice, some are weird while others are nightmares. From this post I may look like a witch but the reality is there are times when only a certain tactics will work. For example, I tried the solution in situation 2 for situation 3 but it doesn't work on her. No amount of zealous typing on the computer and avoiding eye contact would make her go away. So it's either the loo tactic or tell her bluntly to shut up and buzz off. I may be a cold-hearted bitch but I'm not heartless. Whatever it is, all I can say is a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Leg Chair.

In case you haven’t caught on, it’s a direct translated version of the Malay term ‘Kaki Bangku’. I’ve always been a Leg Chair. All.My.Life. Put my name and any sport in the same sentence and my school friends would most probably laugh hysterically while rolling on the floor. Yup, I’m the one who fakes period cramps (every two weeks), dizziness and other medical maladies that you can think of to escape every PE session.

Sometimes I succeed. However, most of the time my Oscar Award-worthy acting didn’t get me anywhere. Not even when I threw in the ‘Bambi-Eyed’ look into the mix for good measure (Shrek wasn’t out yet way back then so I couldn’t emulate the ‘Puss-In-Boots’ look). Still, it’s a no sale so onto the field I go.

I’d be cringing in line, waiting for my turn to undergo whatever physical torture that my PE teacher might have in mind for that day. I must say, I was very resilient when it comes to trying to escape. I’d duck behind my taller friends and try my best to be invisible. When all else fails, in a last desperate attempt to free myself I’d put on an innocent face that any Cherub in Heaven would be proud of and say ,”Ih, sudah bah sia men tadi… Butul sia cakap ni cigu…”

Don’t get me wrong. I love sports… When someone else is playing it. I make a better cheerleader than an athlete. I would clap like the happiest seal in the zoo and cheer my friends (and the guy’s basketball team… *Wink*) on till I’m hoarse any day.. But actually playing sports myself? *Shudder*. So what’s up with this extreme aversion to sports that I have you might ask? Here are some of the reasons why I avoid sports like the Plague..

I have a phobia of ball-related sports. When I was in primary 4, I was hit in the face with a basketball by an over-zealous friend of mine. The force was so hard it cracked my spectacle frame. Lucky it didn’t crack my nose as well. Needles to say I had to wear said spectacles for a WHOLE year before a sympathetic optician advised my parents to replace it. Talk about uncomfortable and so faux fabulous.

I Hate Being Sweaty and Smelly
Granted, we do occasionally sweat and smell like pigs regardless but when you play sports you ALWAYS become sweaty and smelly. It comes with the package. I guess it stemmed from my school years where we don’t get to shower after PE as the average Malaysian school don’t have shower facilities. Hence the ‘wonderful’ aroma (especially from the boys) and the ‘comfortable’ feel of our uniforms sticking to our bodies during the lessons after PE. Gross…

Fear of Letting Others Down
The good thing about being a part of a team is that everyone protects and motivates each other. Your teammates have your back, you have theirs. Together, you bring your team to a glorious, albeit shared victory and you are one big, happy family right? On the flip side, there is always the chance that you would be the one to botch things up. For example, you might be the Big Dodo who shoots for what could be the winning goal for your team in the last few seconds… And missed.. Congratulations! You have just continued your team's losing streak… Which happened to be the third year in a row. When you fail, you fail your team. I personally avoid any situation where I would have to deal with such pressure and guilt.

Personal Space Invasion.
Okay, this is a personal pet peeve of mine. I was born under the Cancer sign and thus personal space is very important, if not sacred to me. It is my comfort zone, a place where I fell warm, fuzzy and safe from the Big, Bad World. People who enter my Zone must follow my rules. Extreme? But of course. It’s just a thing that I have. With team sports, there is no such thing as personal space. Instead there’s a Helluva lot of pushing and shoving. Major personal space invasion = Major turn off.

Like I said above, sports can involve a lot of aggression such as pushing and shoving. I hate that. It pisses me off. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the most patient person on Earth. In fact, I think I must have missed my turn when God was handing out Patience before we unborn babies were sent into the world. That being said, I’m worried that such aggression from others might trigger the She Hulk in me. When I’m pissed, I don’t play fair. Ever. Someone might get hurt. It’s not that I lack sportsmanship. I do have it, lots of ‘em. That is, after I’ve knocked out the teeth of the bitch who pushed me.

So there you have it my dear readers. My history of dodging PE, ‘Leg Chair’ing my way throughout school and my reasons for detesting, I mean, avoiding sports. If you’re one of those people who are into sports, congratulations my friend. I totally solute you. Consider this you widow into the World of They-Who-Avoids-Sports. To all my ‘Leg Chair’ Comrade of Arms, stand proud and feel free to share YOUR story for not being into sports. Cheers!

P/S: I’d like to apologize to all the PE teachers who had the misfortune of having me as their student and for contributing to their high blood pressure. It’s nothing personal really… I’m just allergic to sports… *Wink* Butul sia cakap ni cigu…