I Knew Without A Doubt That I Am A Mom When

Hello there..
Today it really hit me that I was a mom. I mean, obviously I know I'm a mom. After all, I see and care for my daughter everyday and I love her with all my heart. However, never did I realize up till now just how much of a mom I have turned into.


If you know me, you would know that I am a major makeup junkie. I particularly loooovveee MAC and 'chasing' after items in their collections. There's just something so thrilling and satisfying about getting something before others could get their paws on it.


Recently, (almost 2 weeks ago) MAC came out with a fabulous collection called In Real Dimension. It comprises of liquid powder eye shadows and highlighters and everyone is raving about how good they are. Initially I wasn't impressed by the color selection I saw online but when I swatched Modern Pewter and Young Venus in person, I immediately fell in love. They are so pigmented and both of those colors are like nothing that I have in my collection.


One of the MUA there offered to check in KL if there were stocks left of those two colors because they were sold out at the MAC outlet here in 1Borneo. I agreed but was still quite on the fence about getting them and I didn't really think that they would have them anyway. I mean, MAC collections could get sold out in a matter of hours in KL after all.


Two days ago I got to know that I the colors that I was in love with was available still. Take a look at the colors. Aren't they absolutely gorgeous?

Modern Pewter

Young Venus

Whisper of Gilt

The first two are eyeshadows and can be used either wet or dry. The final shade is a highlighter. The shadows cost RM85 each and the highlighter should be between RM100 to RM125. The highlighter can also be used as an eyeshadow I heard. Don't you just love a versatile product?

Anyway, I'm digressing. The point is, together with shipping from KL I would be spending around RM300. Now if I was not a mom, even in my unemployed state right now I would have just gotten it. Seriously, even now for the past three days I have been trying to convince myself that it's worth the buy (it is!), that I haven't seen anything like it (this is the first time I've heard of a cool liquid powder eyeshadow and I have been buying MAC for about 2 years now) and that I would sorely regret not buying them (I would!) yada yada yada..

Yet while all the above would have swayed me into buying once upon a time (I could always eat Maggi Cup for a month), now at the back of my head I kept thinking of how much baby formula I could buy for my Sophia with RM300 (about 8 boxes, meaning 8 more weeks of keeping her well-fed) and how many diapers I could buy (roughly 6-7 plastics of 52 pcs, equalling to 12 weeks of keeping Sophie's bum clean and dry).


So, with that dear readers I have decided not to buy them and I knew without a doubt that I am a mom when I made that decision because my life is not just about me anymore and what I want anymore. Me, whom I personally think am quite self serving and selfish, is actually thinking of someone else for a change.


Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy. It took a lot of soul searching and I might have also fallen to my knees howling "Whyyyyyyy????!!!!" in the moonlight (being dramatic here) but looking at her face, insyaAllaah, I know she is worth sacrificing for. After all, what is a couple of cosmetics compared to my Miracle Baby right? Hm, come to think of it, they come quite close actually.. Hehe.. (I joke, I joke).


And so, I end this post like how any baby obsessed mother would do, with a picture of my daughter Princess Sophia Mikhayla.





Love,
Phoebe

posted from Bloggeroid

My Delivery Story (Part 5): Finally..

Hello peeps..
This is the last part of my delivery story (Pinky promise!)... Hope you guys enjoy it!

To my surprise the anesthetist came to me took the edge of my hospital gown and wiped my tears. "Sekejap lagi ah. Sy tau, kamu kesejukkan kan?Biasa lah tu". I wanted to say no, I wasn't shaking because I was cold. I don't know why I'm shaking and I think I'm dying so can you please do something about it? *It really was very scary, no joke* He then tucked a cloth over my chest to double up my cover against the 'cold'.

I must admit, his actions were comforting somewhat. I mean, he saw me shaking like a leaf in the wind and if he wasn't panicking maybe there were no reason to panic after all right? All throughout the stitching session I heard a stapling sound every few seconds. I don't know what that is but the paranoid side of me wondered if Dr Ramesh was 'stapling' me back together again.

When it was all over I was transferred from the operating table to another table *it took a few people to move me. I felt like a gigantic beached whale being moved to a marine sanctuary/research center*, Then from the latter I was transferred onto my bed. I was still shaking as if I was having a seizure *my sister later told me that I looked scary*. My blood pressure was taken than although they couldn't get a reading the first few tries *which I later found out was normal and it annoyed me. I mean, if the nurses knew that they wouldn't be able to get a reading from me then why did they try anyway?* They came back every 15 minutes to check my BP and I began to loathe the sound of the trolley bringing the digital BP machine because it hurts. I prefer the manual BP checker/tester/whatchamacallit.

Proof that I'm not just being whiny about the digital BP machine hurting.

When undergoing surgery one is not allowed to eat or drink 6 hours before and 6 hours after the surgery has been completed. Before Dr. Ramesh went out the door of the OT I heard him say that I was to be given a bit of water and after 6 hours, a mug of hot Milo. However, the nurses attending to me said that I was not to be given anything at all for 6 hours after surgery, not even a bit of water. The reason is that I might vomit and the heaving would make the pain of my surgical wound even worse.

While I know their reasoning was sound, I was surprised that there are contradictions between Dr. Ramesh's instructions the nurse's actions. Thing is, the nurses are saying that they are acting on doctor's orders. Hmmmm..? So did my ears played tricks on me in the OT? *Boo later told me that when he ran into Dr. Ramesh at the elevator after the surgery and thanked him, Dr. Ramesh accepted his thanks and told him the same thing I heard in the OT about giving me some water and after 6 hours post surgery, a mug of hot MIlo!* 

As the 6 hours went by, I heard numerous contradictions, even between the nurses. One nurse said that if I was really thirsty I could be given a few drops of water with a straw. Another said that I must have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for 6 hours. As for eating, I was not to have anything until I pass wind *in other words, fart*. In order to pass wind faster I was told that I 'must force myself to move around' but that I 'must not force myself'. Er, right. 

I was out of the OT by 11.40AM and by midnight I still had not pass wind. Logic dictates that in order for me to pass wind, I must have something in my digestive system but out of respect for the nurses and their knowledge I followed their dictate but after hours of accommodating them I decided to throw caution into the wind and drink hot Milo. 15 minutes later I passed wind.

So yes, Dr. Ramesh was right to instruct me to have a mug of hot Milo 6 hours post surgery. As for the nurses, I think they need to get their instructions right and not try to play doctor. Sorry to sound harsh but I had to endure 24 hours without food. The fact that I was on drip is of no consequence as I could have had food sooner. Anyway, after I passed wind, the nurse said that since it was already late it is best that I don't eat any solid food and just drink hot Milo *she didn't know I already did drink hot Milo* and I was like,"Hah! Done that!"

Okay, okay moving on with the story. It took me 2 hours to get over the shakiness from the Epidural and within the 1st hour I began to feel the coldness that the anesthetist was talking about. Thankfully one of the nurses got me a hot water bottle to keep me warm. By the time I was able to move my toes and legs the pain hit me. I felt the pain from my uterus contracting, my stitches and the wind in my tummy from not eating.

One thing that I would like to mention is that if you undergo C-Sect, you will be given scheduled pain-killer in pill form. It's included in the package. But if you are in great pain between the those times, you can be given additional pain killer shot. That is however, additional cost. *To be honest it,it's not worth it because I didn't feel any difference*.

At RMC the infants are put into a nursery, not in the same room as the mother. *I guess it is to prevent the babies from being exposed visitors. I mean, a lot of people don't think twice before touching a newborn without thinking that they might be carrying germs that might cause harm* I didn't get to hold her much on the first day because when she was wheeled into my room I was still shaking. The next time she was wheeled in I tried to reach over her 'tray and touch her but I couldn't reach her. It was really upsetting for me actually.

The next day my catheter was removed because I was permitted to eat already and thus would need to be able to go to the loo. As I was feeling well enough to walk, I kept going back and forth from my room to look at Sophie at the nursery. That afternoon we were informed that for C-Sect, the package is 2 nights and 3 days and as I had stayed over for 2 nights it meant that I needed to check out of RMC on that day. However, if I needed an extra day I could stay but at the rate of RM170 per night. I decided to check out on the day itself.

So there you have it, my delivery story. I would like to thank above all Dr Ramesh for doing a brilliant job on my surgery (so far, I am recovering marvelously), Midwife Rosemary for being so helpful and all the nurses at RMC *even the ones who contradicted Dr. Ramesh's instructions and those who did not tell me that I was going to be given scheduled pain meds and could have saved me money from having the extra pain killer shot that did absolutely nothing at all at easing my pain. Yes, I am still a bit sore about those two things in case you can't tell*

L-R: My mum, Midwife Rosemary and me.

Lots of love,
Phoebe

P/S: Follow me on just-me-bie.tumblr.com and Instagram (Phoebe_Sophie) as well as 'Like' my Facebook Page (Phoebe_Sophie). 

My Delivery Story (Part 4): Shake, Baby Shake..

Hello, hello...
Part 4 of my delivery story.. Happy reading my friends..  ^^

Boo's brows knitted with concern. "Sakit kah?" he asked. I shook my head. I though that it was weird that he should ask me such a question when the surgery hadn't even started yet... THEN IT HIT ME! "Diorang sudah start potong kah?" I asked Boo quickly. He nodded. Let's just say if I my jaw could have dropped to the floor and rolled on it's own into the parking lot, it would have done so.

No, I am not being dramatic. I really was flabbergasted because first of all, I was told that they would walk me through the surgery. That being said, I presumed that they would at least tell me when they started the surgical procedure. Secondly, all of my friends that had C-Secs told me that when the scalpel cuts through they did not feel any pain, just the sensation of something pointed being dragged across their skin. So yes, I was waiting for that feeling. *Boo later told me that he saw smoke coming out from my cut. The reason why I didn't experience that pointed-thingy-scratching-my-tummy sensation MAY have been because Dr. Ramesh used a laser knife*
 
In order to distract myself from thinking about being cut up I focused on Boo. We exchanged a few sentences with each other, half of which neither of us understood because we could barely hear what the other said. *Both of us were whispering. It just didn't seemed right to talk in normal tones for some reason in the OT*. Then the anesthetist who had been standing nearby on my left came closer and told boo that it's almost time and that if he wanted to take pictures, he could do so by going over to the other side of the room.

Boo did just that and after a minute or two I thought I heard a baby's faint cry from far away. I asked the anesthetist "Anak sy sudah keluar kah?"  and he said,"Belum lagi. Kalo anak kamu sudah lahir kamu akan tau juga tu". Sure enough, less than a minute later my daughter's cry pierced through the air. I cried so hard that the anesthetist had to remind me to breathe. So much for a Hallmark moment. Potong steam betul la that anesthetist. Huhu..

I expected my baby to be put on my chest like the millions (Okay, I exaggerate) of episodes of One Born Every Minute that I watch religiously everyday. I mean, that would certainly be a Hallmark moment right? Unfortunately, it didn't happen. My baby was just shown to me from a few feet from me before being swept quickly away and being almost blind and not being allowed to wear neither glasses nor contact lenses into the Operating Theater (OT) I wan't really able to see her as anything but a whitish, pinkish and reddish blob. Kesian kah tidak?


After my baby was taken away to be cleaned, I expected Boo to be back by my side so I waited. Dr. Ramesh started to stitch me back up, and I began notice that there was music in the background. Dr. Ramesh was humming to the tune. Some of the nurses were talking in low voices as they worked. My legs felt as heavy as lead. "Oh, so this is how it feels like to not be able to walk", I thought with a shudder.

After what felt like a thousand years had passed I was still waiting for Boo to come back to me and I began to worry. What happened? Was there something wrong with my baby? Why wasn't Boo back by now, didn't he knew that I still needed him? How could he be so inconsiderate?! *I later found out that he wasn't allowed back into the OT after he went out with my daughter* Just as my worry was escalating I began to shiver uncontrollably.

The shivers became stronger and in a short time I was shaking so hard my neck hurt from jerking. It was as if I was having a seizure. I wanted to call out to the nurses but my teeth were chattering too much to form the words. The numbness had risen almost to my chest and it felt as if a ton of bricks has been put on it. I could barely breathe. I thought that it was the end for me. I was dying and I couldn't call for help even though the anesthetist and a nurse were right next to me. Tears flowed down my cheeks...

 To be continued...

My Delivery Story (Part 3): Needles And Antsy Leggings

Hello there...
This is the third part of my delivery story. Hope you enjoy it!

I sat on the wheel chair bare-footed and was wheeled out of my room towards the Operating Theater (OT). On the way a few nurses in scrubs joined me and they asked me who was I choosing to witness the birth of my princess. I told them that I chose Boo. One of the nurses went back to my room to inform him. The doors to the OT opened and it felt as if I stepped into another world.

There seemed to be a lot of green everywhere *most probably because everyone was wearing green colored scrubs and the covers were in the same green color* Everyone in the room was rushing around, their voices muffled by their face mask. "Everyone looked the same," I remember thinking. Kind of like alien ants from outer space, scuttling around. *Yes, trust me to let my imagination run away with me, even a few minutes before going into surgery* I was brought to the operating table and asked to sit on it. It was sooooo narrow.. It felt as if it barely just fit me.

It was then time to be given my Epidural for the C-Sect. I was asked to bend over a pillow while the anesthetist probed my backbone to find the right place to insert the needle. It took him 3 tries in my case. The first time was because when he probed my backbone, I really felt as if the 'plates' or 'disks' of my backbone was going to 'separate' and break and so I straightened my back in protest *2 days later my mum told me that I had a black/blue bruise on my back*. Needless to say I was scolded. One of the nurses told me to hold my bent down position and held me so that I wouldn't move.

Seconds later I felt the prick of a small needle going through my back. I was saying every prayer that I know from the Al-Fatihah to the one that I made up that very second. When I felt like the needle was already taken out, I thought that it was safe to straighten up. WRONG! Turned out that the Epidural procedure was still not completed. Yes, I was scolded again. The anesthetist said,"Ini jarum sangat halus! Kalau kamu gerak, jarum tu boleh patah! Satu hal lagi nanti".

The nurse also reprimanded me, only gentler. The anesthetist probed my back again but not as long as the first time, muttering the whole while. I felt another, bigger needle go into my backbone and when that 2nd needle was removed, I was asked to count to 10. This time I stayed bent over even thought I had counted way past 10 just to be sure that I don't commit the same mistake trice. *Then again, I don't think that it would have taken 3 tries if only they had taken the time to explain to me the procedure of getting an Epidural and what to expect in advance instead of being lead blindly like that*

The anesthetist asked me to lie down. The arm rest on both sides were raised and my arms were put on them. On my left index finger they put some kind of monitoring clamp and my right arm was strapped to a BP monitor. The operating table was lowered in a slanted position with my upper body being lower that my bottom half. I felt panic starting to creep up to me. I itched to ask the anesthetist,"Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE that the Epidural is going to work? What if it doesn't? What if Dr. Ramesh starts cutting me and then I feel something?"

Before I could worry myself into a fit, he said that I should start to feeling my legs becoming heavy. I paused my worrying thoughts and felt my legs starting to tingle. An L-shape rod was raised above my head and my hospital gown was pulled up and over the rod, acting as a cover so that I won't be able to see the surgery as it goes on. Dr Ramesh came in and greeted me. He told me not to worry and that I would be walked through the surgery.. The bright 'focus' lights were adjusted in a position for Dr. Ramesh to see better *a position that unfortunately blinded me throughout the whole surgery* 

By this time I felt as if I was wearing a pair of leggings full of crawling ants. It wasn't painful but it wasn't comfortable either. I was then attached to a catheter so that I would not need to get up and go to the loo to pee for a few hours after surgery. Boo came in then and sat on my right side, near to my head. Seeing his face, I started to cry..

To be continued..

Love,
Phoebe..

My Delivery Story (Part 2)

Hello there..
Here is the continuation of my delivery story. Happy reading..  ^^

I woke up at around 6.00AM on the 5th of March 2012. Even though I didn't really have quality sleep, something told me to get up. So I had a light breakfast of sandwiches and 3-in-1 Milo (provided by RMC) and went to take my bath after requesting for a new 'hospital' gown. At about 7.00AM just as I was about to lie down again and resume sleeping, I saw a lady peeking into my makeshift cubicle from behind the curtain.

When she saw that I was awake (and decently covered I suppose) she swept the curtain aside to reveal another woman. Turns out that they were both midwives and they started to ask me questions. Have I had my breakfast? Have I showered? How many times was I induced with the pill? How was I feeling? After that they told me that I was to go to the Delivery Theater (DT) where I would be induced with a drip called Pitocin.

That got my heart racing. Why? Because Pitocin is notorious for being a more forceful way of inducement and it is said to hurt even worse than normal birth. One of the midwives, Jenny, recommended that I went to the loo first before going to the DT and I thought "Oh bugger. Things are always nasty when they tell you to go to the loo first". I did as I was told and before I went into the DT I told boo, who had stayed with me throughout the night, to tell my mum and sister about the new development.

In the DT I was given the Pitocin drip and strapped to a CTG machine. My blood pressure was checked several times *what I forgot to mention was that I never had any high blood pressure throughout my pregnancy but I developed high blood pressure on the day I checked into RMC. Weird right?*  and not long after that surprise, surprise, my aunt came in through the curtain. Boy was I glad to see her. I thought that I wan't going to have a chance to see my family members again before going into labour. As a first time mother, to say that I was petrified was an understatement as I didn't know what to expect. *I mean, people can tell you that it hurts like the Devil but if you haven't met the Devil himself that description is still kind of useless right?*

What made me really grateful was my aunt's encouraging words,"You are a Robert. We Roberts don't quit easily". It made me really want to live up to that name. I was determined to get through delivery and live to tell the tale. Too soon, my aunt had to leave for an important meeting. Boo was with me and as we were talking, the curtains rustled again and my sister peeked in. They only permitted her a short time with me and my mum replaced her, also with a short time limit.

When my mum left, Rosemary, the other midwife looked at my reading and frowned. She called Jenny in and Jenny pressed gently against my tummy. Half an hour had passed since I started on Pitocin by then and I realized that I haven't felt any pain yet. Jenny adjusted something at the drip and they both left me and boo alone again. 15 minutes later they came back in and asked me if I was feeling any pain. I said no. Jenny looked at the reading of the CTG machine and pressed her hand on my tummy once more. "Dr.Ramesh will be up to see you in a minute," she said.

True enough Dr. Ramesh swept into the room in his usual brisk fashion and said that he wanted to do a VE on me. "I only use one finger okay," he said echoing what I once read in another delivery story post by one of his former patient. That made me smile. After he did the VE (not painful at all I might add), I saw him frowning. He told us that the baby is still 'high up' and that my cervix was not opened at all, not even 1cm. "Something is wrong," he said. "Give her up to 11AM. Until then, KIV C-section." he instructed the midwives.

To be perfectly honest, I did have a feeling that I might undergo a C-sect for my delivery the last few weeks leading up to my EDD so I wasn't terribly shocked. I must admit, I was strangely calm. That didn't mean that I  was looking forward to being cut up and stitched like a piece of cloth. There was also the thought of being helpless and unable to get up on my own that scared me a bit. Jenny asked me if I wanted to continue the drip until 11AM to see if I would make progress for a normal delivery or if I wanted to get off the drip and opt directly for a C-sect.

"It's up to you but you're already at 20 drops you know. That's pretty high and still there's nothing happening. The probability of you getting a C-sect is almost a certainty. If you get off the drip, at least you can have some rest,"she said. Deep in my heart I knew what she said was true but I decide to wait another hour until about 10.20AM to get off the drip. I don't want to have any regrets, so to speak. Sure enough, my contractions were almost non-existent. By the time I was taken off the drip and went to my cubicle it was already 10.35AM. Scarcely 5 minutes later, Rosemary came into cubicle with a wheelchair and said that the Operating Theater (OT) was ready. My heart started to thump loudly in my ears...

To be continued...

Love,
Phoebe

My Delivery Story..

Helloooo peeps..
See the title? Yup, this post is going to be about my delivery story of my precious daughter Sophia Mikhayla. Hehe.. First of all let me tell you in brief about my pregnancy. In my 5th month, I found out that I had Gestational Diabetes which only effects pregnant women and disappears after delivery. At my 27th week I experienced a bit of bleeding and in my 30th week I had Less Fetal Movement Syndrome whereby my baby didn't move at least 10 times within 12 hours (9am-9pm).

As you can see, my pregnancy had numerous risk factors. For those reasons my gynae told me that I could not deliver later than my expected due date (EDD). If I wasn't in labor by my EDD, I would have to be induced. Obviously, it made me worry and after talking to a few friends about their birthing experience in both Government Hospitals and private Medical Centers, I decided to have my baby delivered at Rafflesia Medical Center (RMC).

 I checked in at RMC at 8.45am on the 4th of March 2012. I didn't feel nervous at all at that time. Masih ketawa2 lagi with my sister and mom naik pigi tingkat 1 ni. *On hindsight I guess I should have put on a more contrite front to the midwife since I was late. Hehe..*  I was swept into one of the rooms with 3 beds with the midwife on duty and was asked to strip and put on the 'hospital' gown. *You know the one I'm talking about. The one that completely covers one's front but only closes with 3 pairs of string at the back which provides little to absolutely NO coverage of one's backside*


It was only as I was lying alone on my bed with the curtain drawn that I though to myself, "Oh bugger.. What the eff did I get myself into?" Suddenly I was nervous and scared. Flashes of anything and everything that could go wrong ran through my head. Just then the midwife came in again to do a vaginal examination (VE) on me to check the opening of my cervix. Needless to say, since I wasn't dilating yet the VE hurts! Next, she inserted a pill to induce me.

With that, the waiting started. I was strapped to the CTG machine every 2 hours and whenever the numbers on the machine increased for my contractions, I felt happier and when it goes down I got frustrated because I was really, really hoping for a normal delivery. Even the midwife shook her head when she looked a the graft and said,"Baby ko main2 ni," because the readings were not consistent.

As the day went on, my contractions decreased. Even the midwife didn't bother to do a VE on me again because she said I wasn't threatening to kill someone yet out of pain so obviously I was not making any progress. By evening I was feeling just the same as I did when I checked in (no pain) only less than fresh, frustrated and extremely tired both physically and mentally. Thankfully, I was well distracted by the steady flow of visitors that came to see me.

That night, I couldn't sleep and by midnight I heard a flurry of scrambling feet and people talking like there was an emergency. The door to the delivery theater opened and shut hurriedly and about half an hour later a lusty cry of a newborn baby broke the silence of the night. I wistfully thought to myself, when would it be my turn to hold my Princess in my arms? Would she be okay? How would she look like? Those thoughts accompanied me to sleep...

To be continued...

Love,
Phoebe