Body Positivity: My Mental And Emotional Makeover

Hello there...

Throughout my life my weight had fluctuated quite drastically time and again. I was thin until kindy, when I had a chronic cough and was given cod liver oil. I gained weight and became a chubby chacha kid until I was 10 years old. Lost the weight without even trying when I hit 11 years old and stayed thin effortlessly until 14. Gained a little weight when I was 15 and lost some again when I was 16 when I moved into boarding school. Then I discovered that I had problems with my thyroid which contributed to my weight gain in 2013.

That's when the nightmare started. Relatives and teachers started to call me out on my weight. One teacher in particular always puffing out his cheeks at me while bending his elbows out from his body, indicating that I was fat (in actual fact, he was quite big himself and his daughter was no slender swan either. Cis!). Because of all this, I truly, truly believed that I was fat.

I seriously gained weight during the holidays after SPM. I was depressed and heavily (pardon the pun) embarrassed by my less than stellar SPM results, I was always moody because of my Thyroid and I was sad because of my weight. So I ate my sorrows away. Bad idea.

By the time I entered Matriculation together with my friends from boarding school and former high school, EVERYONE was shocked my physique. Of course they gasped and pointed and commented on it. I felt like running away. I became a recluse, avoiding most of my friends because I didn't want to see the bewilderment and pity in their eyes.

I continued to lose and gain weight throughout the years due to new environments and stresses of study and work but I never hit below 66kgs. The heaviest I had ever been was back in early 2013, at 80kgs. Now I am 77kgs. Relatives, friends and even strangers seemed to think that it was alright to commented on my weight, never mind that they were no Giselle Bundchen themselves.

When I look back at the old photos of me especially that time I was in form 5 where all the comments and fat teasing started, I realised that I wasn't fat at all. AT ALL! Yet back then I remembered being all upset and bitter over the thoughtless talks of others. I let them believe that I was huge. It makes me so upset when I think about it now. Imagine, I told myself since I was 17 that I would be happy once I get to my ideal weight of 55kgs but I never did. That means that I have been unhappy and upset with myself for the past 11 years of my life. What a waste!

Recently I have discovered a lot of blogs written by plus-sized women talking about body positivity. About being in the now and accepting, even loving, one's body regardless of it's size. Thanks to these blogs, I've started to regard myself differently now. I know that recovering from self-loathing will take some time and it cannot happen overnight although I wish it could.

This is not to say that I will not continue to exercise and eat right in order to lose weight. That ideal weight of 55kgs is still waiting for me (but if I hit 60kg pun okay juga bah. Hehe..). However, I want to love myself and my body NOW regardless of my size because I know I deserve that love and I am more than just my size.

To those out there who are still harboring self-loathing over your weight, I understand how you feel. Do check out the links below to body positivity blogs. I hope it helps you as it has started to help me. Let's go a journey to recover what we've lost all this while, our self-respect and confidence. In shaa Allah, Amin,

Fashion, Love and Martinis
Plus Size Princess
A Must-see Video! - Take time to watch this, it's worth every single minute of your time. In shaa Allah.



Love,
Phy