Mental Torture: Pressure and Baby Sophia

Hi all..
Today is a Monday and for the 100th time I wish that I could just stay at home (a banglo no less) with my princess (a trained, qualified nanny on standby) with big money rolling in every month and maids to keep the house clean. Hey, we can all dream right? I think that's considered the high life for me.

Anyways, work is okay. Tolak office politics and the offensive-defensive tactical mindset, everything is peachy. Yeah right.. Haha.. I feel conflicted dear readers. On one hand I wanted to learn something new, on the other I feel like each day is a torture for me because I am doing something so unfamiliar to me. I try to motivate myself, saying that when I had my first job I didn't know anything either yet I survived right? With each new place I went it's always confusing at first but it gets better with time right? Right.

This morning to be honest I felt like resigning. Pelik juga sy rasa oh. Macam over2 pula kan? Maybe its because everything is new to me and its an assault to my delicate senses. Aisehmen... Al maklum lah, yours truly ni Cancer sign. Likes things yang familiar jak. Anything that throws us off balance we no likey. I really am envious of women who grasp change with both hands and whip up a cake out of it or shape it into a horse. These are fearless women, and how I wish I could be like that.. Oh well..

By the way, I went back to see my baby Sophia last Saturday. Punya lah happy... I really can't believe it when I finally held her in my arms. Smelled her baby smell and kissed her over a hundred times. Huuuiii.. Memang manja la my baby girl that weekend. Malar kena angkat. If it's not me, her papa yang angkat. Masa tu nda peduli sudah whether she will be manja atau tidak. Yang penting, mo lepas rinduuu...

Yang bikin kecik hati sikit tu kan, at first she was afraid of me. Or rather, us. Entah la kenapa, maybe she forgot me. Maybe it was because she just got up from her nap then terus kena serang. Sakit hati tau when she wanted my elder sister instead. I mean, I was never away from her for even a night for over 7 months then in 10 days you can forget me and look at me like a stranger?

I tried to pujuk my own heart juga la. I can't control her and to think I can and expect her to remember me for the things I did for her pretty silly and un-Mama. I take care of her because she is entrusted to me by Allah, not because I own her. Ibu2 sekalian, kalau pernah terlintas di hati dan minda seperti yang di atas, sila2 lah cepat2 buang yer. Nda bagus tu.

Anyways she warmed up to me in a few minutes. I can't help but feel that she has changed a lot. As if during the time we were away from each other, she was re-wired or something. Sebab kan, the things that usually make her smile no longer does. Mo kasi tidur dia pun lain sudah, not the way I know it. Terkilan juga sy, wah how 10 days can make so many changes in a developing baby kan. How much have I missed in 10 short days. Sedih betul oh.

All these things la yang bikin sy berfikir ni, berbaloi kah sy amik ni keja ah? Bagus lagi sy resign and take up a job that is not as demanding despite the pay being less. Macam2 la main dalam otak sy. I tried to calculate how long I would have to work in my current job to be able to save up so that I would not have to work for a year or at least 6 months la. But then again all of this is short term kan? After the money has run out, then what? Apa mo kasi makan si Sophie? Macam mana mo bayar yuran si Sophie pigi play school?

And so the vicious cycle went on and on in my head. In fact, it is still going on right now. Pening kepala sy ni sekarang.. Huhuhu..

This is all for now. I will try to write of less depressing posts in the future.

Love,
Phoebe

  

My First Experience: Swimming

Hallo there..
It's been a while since I wrote a first experience post right? I have certainly not explored anything new for a long, long while. I felt old and ancient but not anymore because I have finally learned how to swim! Yaaaaaaayyyy!!!

No more going into the water up to waist level then pretend to look like I'm merely standing there because I want to and not because I don't know what else to do in the water. No more do I have to be content with just sitting at the edge of the pool dipping my feet in the water while trying not to turn green as those who could swim frolicked in the water like mermaids. Not that I am now a mermaid by far.

I must say the first time I was taught to swim was over a year ago at Poring. Kalo tidak silap la. Either that or a few months ago in the swimming pool at my apartment. Masa tu punya lah epic fail. It didn't help that I panic very easily. Tidak pandai sync my breathing and movements and the movements of my limbs were very uncoordinated. I surprised myself two days ago when I just cuba try test and moved my limbs as I was taught to.

It actually was a passable effort and I felt myself move forward. My friend who could swim gave me feedback on what I could do to improve like to fully 'kuak' my legs, timing when breathing and limb coordination. I followed my friend's instructions and managed to swim from one end to almost the other short end of the pool. I think I could have reached the end if only my hair hadn't covered both my nose and mouth when I rose to the surface, rendering me being unable to breathe. I am so gonna invest in a hair cover and a pair of goggles. Oh yeah!

I wanted to swim all night. Kalo bukan sebab ada guntur and lightning nda la sy mo pulang kali oh. Alhamdulillah, because of this achievement I now feel strong and empowered. If I can do this, I can do anything kind of feeling you know? I just need to get into the 'zone'. Next thing I want to really do is learn how to drive, ride a bike and dive. In that sequence. It feels free to acquire skills, improve one's self. Kalo tidak kan rasa dunia tidak menarik ni. Stuffy and boring. Tersekat pun ada sebab banyak yang diri tidak pandai buat kan.

I really need to remind and push myself to learn new things and skill all the time. You should too dear readers. Let us learn something new to enrich our lives. This is all for now, cheers!

Love,
Phoebe

Weight Loss and Job Update..

Hello there..

As the title indicates, this post is going to be about my weight loss update, or rather, how I'm doing at achieving my weekly goals, etc., and my job update. My health-related goals were to drink up to 2L of water for the 1st week. I must say I kind of failed terribly. I think I just fulfilled that goal 3 days out of the 7 days of the week. If I didn't forget to drink water, I would be in a situation where it would be inconvenient for me to do so (long distance trip so want to avoid to many visits to the loo), etc.

For my 2nd week my goal was to reduce my non-water beverage to 2 cups a day on top of the 1st week goal. I had no trouble doing that and in the process has found my new 'best friend' that would help me with my 3rd week goal and that is to reduce my food consumption by a quarter (I know, funny. Haha..). I have been using this product for a week so I have kind of achieved my goal for this week since last week. That friend is...

Red Guara by DCL

I think some of you might already know this product. This is a drink that is used to reduce one's food intake by helping us to feel full sooner and for a longer time. I know what you guys are thinking. Si phy main buyuk! Guna produk untuk kawal makan. Weh, apa salahnya kan? It's not that I have any disillusion with this product. Like I said before, there is no one magic pill, drink, etc., that enables us to lose weight without diet or exercise because if there is, Oprah would have known about it by now and shared it as her favorite things.

Anyway, I find that this product really works but being an emotional over-eater, I did slip a time or two. Meaning I kept eating despite feeling full. Believe me I got my reward for that alright, with acid reflux or pedih ulu hati (I think) especially if I take a lot of buns or any flour-based or 'yeasty' foods. Its so not fun and not worth the pain. So you see, product like this can help you but you still need will power and make good food choices in order to really lose weight.

I haven't weighed myself yet so I am not sure if I have actually lost weight but I do feel that my clothes fit me slightly better. We'll see in a month.

As for my job, well today is my 3rd day on the job and I am already stressed. I have gone to see the GM for a redrafted programme review, barely learned to use Microsoft Outlook for internal email (and email etiquette on top of it) and Skype. I've written 2 articles, chosen photos for the articles and printed and reprinted what seemed like hundreds of changed programme copies. Its a bit hard for me because this is a detail oriented job whereas I am not a detail-oriented person.

A dot, comma or missing alphabet can result in wastage from reprinting. Sakit jiwa okay. Sayang bah tu kertas. Bila it is all because of me lagi jadi gitu terus tambah2 agi rasa stress. I wouldn't be surprised if one of these days I will get nightmares of alphabets, full stops and commas coming after me with pitchforks. I know, I cant really complain. After all, I did ask for this job right? I did want to break away from Finance right? I do want a bigger pay to improve Sophie's future right? I did want to learn something new right?

Missing Sophie is not helping either. I really need to focus on this job but I keep thinking about her, wondering what she is doing, if she is sleeping or eating well, looking at her photos and videos, etc. On top of all this I just found out that I lost my pendrive with all of my photos in it. I remember using it yesterday and taking it out of the USB Port. I think I did put it in my bag but this morning I couldn't find it. I just hope that it got misplaced in the car or at home and not here at the hotel. While I don't have anything incriminating on it, I certainly don't want it to fall into the hands of irresponsible people. I can't wait to go back home and look for it.

Oh well, I guess this is all for now. Thanks for reading..

Love,

Phoebe.  

P/S: I am in no way or form affiliated with DCL. I bought this product with my own money and my comments on it are fully my own from my experience.

Bye Bye Baby Sophia...

Hi all..
This past 10 days has been such an emotional one for me. This is because something so bad and so sudden has happened that it turned a lot of people's life upside down. I won't say what but suffice to say that it was devastating and some of the 'splatters' landed on me.

Initially, I had planned to wait and see how my work schedule is before deciding for sure about Sophie's care. If I could juggle my work and taking care of Sophie, she would remain with me. If I can't manage, then I would send her to my parent's home. Before I had even had the chance to start my new career, a family crises struck which resulted in Sophie no longer having a baby-sitter. So, I had no choice but to send Sophie prematurely to my home town.

It was the hardest thing for me to accept that I would have to be away from her. I had never, ever done it you know. Never been away from her for even 1 night. How on earth am I supposed to be away from her now? Needless to say I bawled my eyes out for days before going back to my home town last Saturday. I was there with her until today. Hugged her, kissed her, smelled her skin and hair, trying to remember it, remember her smile and laugh, the things that makes her smile.

I tried to look at this situation in a positive light. Tried to cheer up by thinking of all the things that I am free to do when I'm back in KK. I can go shopping now without having a time limit, I can go jalan2 at night now, go jogging/gym without having to worry about where to put Sophie, I can concentrate on my career, watch movies at the cinema back to back, bla bla bla.... Even though I would be having my 'old life' back, all I feel is that it's meaningless, truly meaningless because Sophie IS my life now.

Despite the limitations, lack of sleep and free time Sophie's smile, laugh and wriggly body, seeing her grow has made it all worthwhile. Now that she is not with me I feel as if I no longer am able to function as a I used to before she came into my life. Normally bangun2 terus masak air mo sedia air mandi dia. Nanti bangun terus mo buat apa? Oh ya, mandi and berus gigi sendiri pula kan? You know what I mean? Macam mo recalibrate lagi balik.

I had dreaded today when I would be leaving her. I imagined that I would be flooding the bus station with tears, etc., but instead Sophie fell asleep at home so I just kissed her softly as to not wake her up, went to the bus stop and travelled to KK dry eyed. I felt numb. I do feel a headache coming, the kind that only happens when you repress your emotions. I feel a bit confused now, unable to make simple decisions like what and where to eat.I won't be surprised if I suddenly burst into tears seeing diapers and baby stuff in the shops.

Another thing that disturbs me is that I feel guilty. Guilty for seeming to choose my career over my daughter. Then again, such a good opportunity does not come everyday. If I don't have a good paying job, how on earth am I going to support Sophie anyway? That's what I keep telling myself, what everyone keeps telling me. Not that it made me feel any less guilty.

How am I going to survive tonight without feeling Sophie's soft, warm body snuggling next to me? Sigh...

Love,
Phoebe..

Indulge All The Way..

Hi there,
I was at TCBTL just now and for the 1st time in my life, I ordered a salad, smoked salmon pula tu. Mau healthy la konon. For drinks they had a promo, buy 1 free 1 and they are all only for chocolate based ice blended. Kalo ikut hati mau juga beli, yang 1 lg boleh bg boo. Or not.

Since I am in a bid to be healthier and after this I won't be in KK to enjoy Starbucks, TCBTL, etc., I decided to indulge in an ice blended. When the cashier asked if I wanted whipped cream I said no. Again, its because I wanted to make healthy choices. Then it struck me. I have blogged about this before actually a year or too back.

When it comes to indulgences, which comes once a week or once a month, one should go all out and have it the way one likes it. Yup, add the whipped cream, the extra sprinkle of choc chips. What's important is, make it count. After that, park further away from your office and walk, do an extra half an hour on the threadmill, etc to reduce the 'damage'.

What I am trying to say is, I feel it is better for the body, mind and soul to get the real deal during a session of indulgence rather than compensating by reducing this and that up to the point that what you indulge in doesn't taste how it is supposed to anymore. Defeats the purpose of an indulgence don't you think?

Of course over time we can try to trqin our taste buds to enjoy taste for less. Reduce the sugar, salt, oil, etc., but in general, when it's time to have your fave treat, it's best to really do enjoy it so that you won't feel deprived.

Oh and by the way, that salad I ordered was good it terms of taste but it's rubbish in terms of health. It was laded with mayonaise, croutons and cheese powder. Sigh...

Anyway, would you rather compensate on your indulgences or go all out?

Love,
Phoebe

4KGs!

Hi all...
Yesterday I went to sign my appointment letter. Yes! I am 'quite officially' a staff of TPSH. Yayyyy!!! I was then asked to go for a medical check up at one of the hotel's panel clinic. I was weighed, my height measured, etc. I took a look at my weigh and I have gained 4KGs! What the eff? I knew I gained weight. I could feel it in the way I fit (or rather, don't fit) in my clothes. It has been extra hard for me to find clothes that fit especially work clothes too. I didn't think the weight that I gained would be that much. Sheesh!

On top of that when I went to Ms Read at Suria to look for a pair of pants that might fit, the girl said," Bagus kakak pilih yang longgar2 sikit, kakak kan pregnant". Adoooiiii... I just kept quiet to keep from embarassing us both. Haiyaaaaa... Tiabulih laini begini. Especially since now I am in S&M (not the kinky kind) I need to look good and wear nice clothes. I think you can guess what's coming right? Yeah, I need to lose weight.

Desperation made me want to just buy some pills and take a short cut but I know, if there really was any magic slimming pill out there, Oprah would have gotten her hands on it a long, long time ago and given it as one of her favourite things during Christmas. Since that hasn't happened and is yet to happen, the only way is to do it the old fashioned way. healthy eating and exercise.

If you have been reading this blog for some time you would know that I have enough failed weight loss attempts to last a lifetime. I guess I have not been very disciplined in carrying on what I started which is such a pity. I have to lose weight, I can't go on like this. It's just not healthy. I'm sure I can do it, I just need to follow through and get in the zone.

For those of you who have the ability and discipline to cut off all the bad food and exercise like a machine at the same time and maintain it, I congratulate and envy you. I, on the other hand plan to make one small change a week. Here are my goals for the next 4 weeks.

Week 1: Drink at least 2 litres of water a day.
Week 2: Limit non-water beverages to 2 in a day.
Week 3: Reduce my food portion by a quarter..
Week 4: Reduce non-water beverages to 1 a day.

I will let you know how I do each on each goal each week insyaAllah. I am actually excited in embarking on this project of mine. By the start of November 2012 I hope to have lost 2KGs, insyaAllah. Amin.

Okay peeps, this is all for now. Cheers!

Love,
Phoebe

It WILL Happen In Time...

Hi..
I posted this entry on my makeup blog by mistake and could only transfer this post today in October so if you see reference to this month being September, this is a backdated post actually.. I hope you guys still enjoy it...


Hello all..
In this month of September, especially towards the end, it felt as if I have been bombarded with a lot of news and situations that had me at emotional highs and lows.

Got called for an interview: Happy, nervous.
Got to know relative in financial problem: Sad, wish could help.
Stood up for myself in the workplace: Guilty, happy, determined.
Offered a job at an unexpected level: Ecstatic, disbelief, nervous, petrified.
Found out relative in deeper trouble through own actions: Disappointed, sad, curious, loss, disbelief..

I used to question a bit about why it takes so long for things to happen; why haven't the company contacted me with their offer or rejection, why Sophie is not teething yet, etc. Now as things start to unfold 1 by 1, yet again I started to realize that I should not have been in too much of a hurry, that everything whether good or bad happens as they should.

For example, because my job offer came a bit late yet SH need me for the job asap, I decided to just pay for 1 month's notice to MGH, take 2 weeks off and start at SH on the 15th. I will have the time to get my work attire ready, spend more time with Sophie and let her grandparents dote on her within the inch of her life.

This gives my aunt who cares for Sophie a 2 week break which she needs as her family is facing a crisis right now. My mother who is coming next week to visit Sophie couldn't come at a better time as she could be a listening ear and comforting shoulder to my aunt. At the same time today Sophie is showing signs that she is teething. Since I am on leave and my mother will be here, we will be able to take care of her personally.

See? Allah's hand at determining what happens when is so amazing. So if you are ever in a situation where you are waiting and waiting for something to happen and things seems to be moving slowly, rest assured that if it is good for you, it WILL happen and at the right time too.. Don't be angry with Allah because He always knows best.

This is all for now, cheers!

Love,
Phoebe..