To Quit Or Not To Quit

Hi all,
I know I promised to write less depressing posts right? I don't know if this can be categorized as depressing but for the past few days I have done a lot of thinking, mainly of whether I should stay or leave my current work place. On one hand, I feel like I am not really giving it a proper chance. On the other sometimes the combination of the work culture, the mindset of staffs, crazy people around me makes me feel really stressed. Everyday when I wake up I would feel like crying. I would get mild anxiety attacks, feeling its hard to breathe, my heart would beat twice as fast. I don't think that is very condusive for me at all.

I feel devastated really. I had such high hopes for this job. With the extra money I had planned on saving up for me and Sophie and also save up for a certificate in makeup artistry. Iya lah, since I have so much makeup, might as well use it to make money. Then the tonnes of makeup will become an investment instead of a waste. These are the only reason why I was willing to send Sophie to my hometown for my parents to take care instead of me. Sekali tengo begini pula jadinya.

On top of all that Sophie is at the stage where she is really needy and since she is frequently around my mum and dad instead of me, when I went to see her last Saturday she was afraid of me initially. Nangis bah tengo sy. I felt a part of me died that day. Sakit hati betul ni, not at her but the situation. I really felt that the sacrifice I am making is not worth it.

I don't know why but when my boss gives an instruction it's hard for me to understand what she is saying. I really don't know what she wants. Others seem to understand her just fine especially her protege but I feel as  if my head is shrouded in a mist. Blurred ni. My friend actually said that perhaps that is my defense mechanism against the hurt of being a scrape goat. Cause that's what I am right now really, a scrape goat. She tell me whats wrong but doesn't direct me to the right direction. Whereas when my friend explained in a short sentence and I immediately understood. Perhaps we are not compatible work-wise.

There is a small bright spot though. A few days ago, after harshly criticising my article (while merely teasing her favorites for their mistakes) and asking me to rewrite it, I felt suffocated. I was so stressed that I couldn't write beyond the first sentence (and that one sentence took me 10 minutes to write). It was up to a point when I had to go out and clear my head. I went along the pool and chatted with some of the staff there who were very nice and I realized that this was what I missed the most about hotel line. The interaction, the small talks, the friends, etc.

Sigh.. I guess this is all for now dear readers. Hope you guys are having a better time at work.

Love,
Phoebe.