Dear readers..

Today I tried the Sendayu Tinggi Slimax Cerial drink for the first time. I had it with 5 Weetameal biscuits at 7am this morning for breakfast. I have to say that I was disappointed because I only lasted 2 and a half hours before I began to feel hungry. I had a packet of fried mee hoon with 3 pieces of nuggets for brunch at 10 am.

Then surprise, surprise... I didn't feel hungry at all at 1pm. My mum forced me to eat anyway and I complied because I don't want to wait until I'm starving before eating. I ate very little rice, half a sunny side up fried egg, half a small Pinasakan cooked fish and 2 sausages. I didn't want the sausages but my relatives forced me to take it cause the housekeeper fried it just for me. Oh well..

At 4pm I had 2 handfull of cubed guava and a cup of Lipton 3-in-1 Lipton tea. I haven't eaten dinner yet.. I think the Slimax Cerial drink has the potential to help me feel full for longer if I had taken something heavier with it like wholewheat bread sandwiches and fruit or something. Well.. I'm off to have my dinner. Maybe a bit of rice lightly fried with veggies and 1 sliced sausage.

This is all for now.. Cheers...

Second day..

Dear readers..

Last night I ate what I said I would for dinner but had about 4 squares of home made chocolate. That was unplanned. Hehe.. Today I had mi goreng kurang minyak for breakfast at 7am, the same thing for brunch cum lunch with Lipton tea 3-in-1 at 11am, a Dairy Fresh chocolate waffle (my sinful consumption of the day).

I was at Servay at Putatan (I like it there, there's so many shops available there. It's like a 1 stop center) when I had that, I was so hungry. I was tempted to buy the Roti John (which comes in Baby John and Mother/Mummy John by the way. So funny..). I tend to overeat when I'm hungry but I'm happy to say that I managed to resist the tepmtation. I ate a bit of rice (a teeny bit more than yesterday), veggies and half a medium sized fish cooked Pinasakan style.

I bought Sendayu Tinggi's Slimax Cerial drink today. Its supposed to make me feel full and help my digestive system to be more efficient. I'm going to start trying it tommorrow. Quite expensive, RM29.90 for 15 sachets. Hopefully it works. If it does, you'll get raving reviews of it from me for sure. Looks like I'm going to be your guine pig for the next 15 days. Hehe.. Oh, and I clocked up 2,930 steps today.

Well, this is all for today's report. Hehe.. Cheers..

My First Day..

Dear Readers,

Today is my first day towards achieving a healthier and fitter me. I woke up a bit late this morning, around 8.30am cause I slept at 2am this morning. I had coffee and 5 weetameal biscuits and I ate lunch at 1.15pm. A bit of rice, lots of veggies, half an medium sized fish (cooked pinasakan style), a bit of egg and (I overdosed a bit on this 1) 3 sausages. Should have taken only one or two but, oh well. I haven't eaten since which is quite amazing because I usually feel hungry within 3 hours of eating no matter what I eat.

There's only dinner left and I aim not to eat after 8pm. I'll be eating the same food as lunch but minus the egg and sausages. More veggies. My handphone has a built in paedometer and it shows that I have taken 1,640 steps so far. It's actually more than that but never mind. I'm feeling a bit virtous now. Hehe.. It's still early actually but I'm determined to make it work this time. No more lies and excuses.

By the way, I was watching the Oprah Winfrey Show this morning and they were introducing the 6 participants that had been selected for the weight loss challenge. What a coincidence huh? ;) Anyway, what struck me the most was when Bob Green (Oprah's trainer in case you don't know) said that he thing that was concerned with the participants is that they are all emotional eaters and that they would need to delve deep into themselves about what is bothering them, what is hurting them so badly that they use food as a cover-up.

That hit home with me. I have issues from childhood that has stayed with me until now. I won't disclose it here in this blog. I feel that its much to personal for now. Another thing is guilt. Oh God the guilt is killing me. I won't mention what I did either, it might be a sensitive issue for some people. What I can say is that I will be taking steps to settle it too..

So this is all for now.. Cheers...

A Story and a Promise...

Dear readers..

I'm so frustrated with my weight problem. I've been struggling with it since I was 17 when the first signs of wieght gain occured. Everyone acted as if they had God's given right to comment about it even those I didn't know that well. I trully believed that I was humongously fat. Looking back at my photos, I was of regular weight at that time. It makes me feel so angry when I thought of how I let people get to me then.

You see, my weight had yo-yoed since I was a child. I was thin, then when I stated kindergarden I came down with a cough that wouldn't go away. My mum gave me Scott's emultion and I got better but I gained weight. I became a very chubby chid until I was the age of 10 years old. In fifth grade I began to take part in after school activities and lost the weight. I was at my thinnest at 12 years old.

The thing is, I have always had a bit of a tummy and flabby thighs even when I was skinny so I never really see myself as thin. I always see myself as a chubby person. I put on maybe about 3-4 KGs when I hit puberty and that did nothing to increase my self-esteem but I was still okay with it because I can still find clothes to buy quite easily. I lost a bit of weight again when I went into boarding school at 15 years old, going 16 years old.

Things went fine until I was entering form 5. I remember that people began to comment about my weight during Chrismas of 2002. I didn't feel like I gained weight and became confused. In that same year I was diagnosed with hyperthyroid, a disorder stemmed from the Thyroid glands. The doctors said that this is what is making me gain weight. The thing is, with Hyper thyroidism, I'm supposed to lose weight, not gain weight. Hypothyroid patients gain weight not Hyperthyroid patients. I carried on with the treatment for the next 5 -6 years of my life.

I was facing stress from being pressured to score 9A1 by the school, my sickness, being misunderstood (I became irratable due to my health problems), and the feeling of inadequacy ( I keep failing 3 of my science subjects) and being ashamed of my weight gain that I began to eat for emotional reasons. I didn't care what I was putting in my mouth (which was, unfortunately, mainly junkfood) and it was so easy to blame the weight I continued to gain on my sickness.

The day I enrolled into matriculation was still fresh in my mind. I saw a group of my friends from MRSM ( almost all of us went into LMC). I approached them and greeted them and I was met with a round of shocked expressions (some of them had their mouths hangingvopen) and exclaimations of how much I've gained weight in a few short months. Boy did that sucked. I retreated into my invisible shell, trying to hide my shame and my pain.

I started to take diet pills since that year and I did lost quite a bit of weight, around 6KGs. The funny thing was, not a lot of people commented on my weight loss as much as people commented on my weight gain, prior to that, which I think until today is quite unfair. To top it off, I gained the weight that I loss. I have been experimenting with different brands of diet pills, shakes and teas ever since. I would estimate that I have spent around RM3K in a span of 5 years trying to find the one magic pill or potion to make me lose weight. To tell you the truth, I'm still doing it today.

I was deemed to have recovered from Hyperthyroidism in May this year but was suspected of having Poly-Cysctic Ovaries (PCOS). And the worst part was that the doctor told me that I might have been misdiagnosed for Hyperthyroidism all these years. Boy was that a blow. The blood test results proved to be true. I have PCOS which explains my weight gain. My highest was 72.2KG which was around June this year. I'm happy to say that I am 69KG (if my grandmother's scale is to be believed) or 70KG now.

Its not that I'm not grateful, its just that years of losing a bit of weight then gaining twice that amount has made me a bit sceptical and disbelieving that I have actually lost weight. I want to lose more, make the numbers indesputable. I don't seem to have the will-power to resist junkfood when its near me. I also notice that I tend to overeat when I'm sad, worried or feeling helpless. I gain more weight which makes me even more sad and then I eat more.It's a vicious cycle that has to stop.

It's the 28th of October already. I hereby promise to myself (and you, dear readers as my witness), that from today onwards I am going to have regular small meals so that I would not feel hungry and stuff my face in retaliation, I will make better food choices (less rice, more veges and lean proteins such as fish) and I will still take junkfood but moderately and will slowly cut down on them until I have re-educated my tastebuds into not craving them anymore.

I will not beat myself up if I slip a few times and be discouraged but will try to regain my balance the next meal or next day. I will be more active, incorporating at least 5,000 steps into my daily routine. I will drink at least 3 liters of water a day. Last but not least, I aim to lose 2KGs by the 28th of November. Stay tuned fo updates in the coming weeks. Wish me luck!

How far we've come along..

Dear readers..
Today I met a friend of mine that I haven't seen for a long time. She was pregnant and is due by next month. I was struck at how far we've all come. I still remember when we were in part 1, our room were just across of each other. We used to share our foods, comics and during Valentines Day her then-boyfriend and her gave me and my roomate (we were both single at that time) a KFC meal and a big bar of Cadbury chocolate each.. That was fun and a bit embarassing a the same time.. I'll never forget that. She's so kind and thoughtful..

Last Sunday we had a dinner event which was Malam Pra Graduan. Some of our names was nominated for Leadership, Academic and Sports awards. That also made me think of how we have mapped our paths in UiTM and left our mark. I can still see us three years ago when we were still freshies, confused and uncertain.. Now, look at us.. We have learned through our experiences and others, done thing that we've never had or wanted to do before and challenged ourselves to do the best we can in every situation.
We've met with people that we could connect with on the spot, people who violate our trust, lecturers who are fun and approachable, lecturers who are strict yet kind and every other types of people you can think of.

My, my.. How far we've come along...

I want to be at peace..

Hi dear readers..
I don't really know where to start but all I know is that i want to experience peace. I have been in an emotional turmoil for I don't know how many years. It has resulted in me acting in ways that hurt the people around me and I am so sick and tired of it. First, it was my Hyperthyroidism, now its my PCOS. I try to be positive but I only succeed occasionally.

I know I can achieve this but I don't know how. Aside from PCOS that I am currently expeiencing, there are a lot of unresolved issues involving my faith and family relationships. There are times when I feel like I'm going crazy, that the world is against me. My chest constricts and I feel like I can't breathe. How I would like to be like those who can laugh out loud and breeze through life without worry..

To all my friends, I'm sorry for all the hurtful thing that I might have said, or my actions. I can take it back and I may repeat it in the future, but I really need your support in facing this... Pray for me...

I Totally Forgot...

Hi dear readers,
You know what? I totaly forgot that I have this blogger account! You see last night we were having a major blackout at my campus from 8pm-12.30am. I was at my friend's room and we were chatting away when she suddenly said, " Phy, why don't you join blogspot.com or blogger.com? I haven't read your blogs for a long time." So here I am now, at the library printing out my exam slip when I thought to myself," Hey, why not? I'm on the Internet anyway." As I was registering, I discovered that I couldn't register using my email address. That was when I (finally) remembered that I already have an account.. Haha.. Silly me..

I haven't posted a blog for a long time, whether in here or in my friendster blog. Sometimes I'm just too busy and other times I forgot.. So now I'm creating a blog to let off some steam. Quite a bit has happened in my the past two weeks that I'm not happy with, especially my group work.. I have one presentation due tomorrow and another one next week.. Final semester does require a lot of work but it has been a lot of fun as well especially since we have a lot of chance to do field work. I've been to Kundasang last month and that was fun.. ;)

Well, I guess this is all from me.. Since I'll be completing my studies ( God willing) in November, perhaps I'll have a lot of time to post more blogs by then.. Wish me luck as the finals are just around the corner... Bye for now...